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Jokes About Capitalism That Sting While You Laugh

by Elana

No, this isn't an advertisement for unfiltered anarchy or undiluted socialism. Many of us across the world are living in a society structure that protects capitalism above all else, or at least seemingly all else. It's a little soul crushing, to be fair. When you work your proverbial tail feathers off and have not much to show for it other than waning social security checks and failing health, it's easy to be bitter. For those that are looking to the future at what will statistically most likely also apply to them? Well, humor is a coping mechanism.

So, if you can't afford to call in sick and your bills are a buck shy of screwing you, then these jokes are right up your alley. Whether you're emboldened to know you're not alone or take comfort in it, these painfully accurate jokes are at the very least: hysterical.

1. Creatively cruel, honestly.

“the poor are killing industries by not having money” is a very creative way to avoid saying it’s actually the rich who are killing industries by hoarding wealth and privatizing everything https://t.co/vmWhyDEcS7

— hunter s. wampson (@alsoHunter) November 30, 2018

2. However, if you're playing "telephone," make sure the words don't get changed, you heathens.

Billionaire is another word for oligarch. Pass it on. #LawrenceMA#Latinos#Dominicanos#WorkingClass#workers#anticapitalisthttps://t.co/9zpkMVdPJq

— The Rogue (@LawrenceRogue) November 18, 2019

3. I have big plans for the future and it may or may not involve eating the rich.

Me at uni: *basically a social democrat*

Wise old people: “That’ll change once you get a job and pay taxes in the real world”

Me, after working a few years: “My retirement plan is dying in the communist revolution”

— Cat Síth (@operaisma) November 14, 2017

4. Don't even talk about it or we will fire you. Also, sign this contract saying you accept that fate.

CORPORATIONS: Unions are pointless wastes of your money that do nothing

ALSO CORPORATIONS: For unrelated reasons, we spent $2.5 million on a campaign to discourage you from joining your useless, pointless union which does nothing (please don't join it)

— The Ghost of Burgsmas Cheer (@burgerdrome) May 10, 2019

5. Crushing the dreams of children is a healthy coping mechanism.

toddler: when i grow up i want to be a princess

conservative (dumb): sorry kid boys can’t be princesses

liberal (also dumb): you can be anything you want!

me: [leaning in really close] let me teach you something about monarchy you reactionary little shit

— frank furtschool (@osamabishounen) July 1, 2018

6. It's important not to set unrealistic expectations.

I'm sorry but there's certain things kids shouldn't see at pride. When impressionable lgbtq kids see gay bankers and cops flaunting their lifestyles at the parade, they get the wrong idea that queer liberation is possible within capitalism

— AJ (@AJhasawebbrand) May 28, 2019

7. Maybe just a little bit.

'My wages, terms and conditions get worse every year. You don't see me striking.' MATE THESE THINGS MAY BE RELATED.

— Joseph (@JosephKay76) December 13, 2016

8. Isn't poetry inspiring?

Boss makes a dollar
I make a dime
That was a poem
From a simpler time
Boss makes a hundred
I don't make jack
That's why I riot
To seize the means back

— VOTE LABOUR ⚙️🌾Rareș🚩☭ is snuggling with Skye❄️❤ (@LinksUndVereint) August 28, 2019

9. Definitely worse. Way worse.

I have friends who believe in astrology and while it's not my bag I also have friends who believe in capitalism which seems a lot worse

— Avery Edison — Vote Labour (@aedison) May 10, 2018

10. "Please, please stop talking."

me: and how typical of late capitalism, how prophetic of a looming technocracy that you and i "rate" each other, policing ourselves on behalf of an anti-worker, Silicon Valley megalith that hoards data on our whereabouts,

uber driver: can i give you the aux cable or something

— Kelly Weill (@KELLYWEILL) April 3, 2018

11. Well, this is awkward.

Ba-Dum-Tiss!

Capitalism didn't give us the internet. Large-scale cooperation, open protocols, and free software gave us the internet. Capitalism gave us mobile sites that don't work because fifteen ads cover the screen.

— Existential Comics (@existentialcoms) October 26, 2019

12. Can we set this precedent?

You call your girl "Queen" implying she has a role in an outdated system, implying she is only good by virtue of birth…. LMAO I call my girl the proletariat because I believe in her future.

— Krispy Scream (@mitchysuch) November 16, 2017

13. *Hums* One of these things is not like the others.

HOW TO SURVIVE THE #HEATWAVE

🥤stay hydrated
🍦treat yourself to an ice cream
✊dismantle the fossil fuel industry which is literally burning the planet for the short term profit of a vanishingly small capitalist class
👕loose fitting clothing

— Russell Warfield (@russellwarfield) June 28, 2019

14. Can we please not?

A BILLIONAIRE IS GOING TO USE THE WORD "WEALTHPHOBIC" ON TV WITHIN THIS CALENDAR YEAR

— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) February 5, 2019

15. Sounds fun.

I have invented a new board game. The least deserving player wins, and every one else loses for no reason. I call it 'Capitalism'.

— Karl Sharro (@KarlreMarks) December 8, 2017

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