Absurd Real-Life Headlines That You Won't Believe Aren't From 'The Onion.'

Unfortunately we live in a timeline where the news has taken over the writers' jobs at the satirical news site 'The Onion'

Kylin

• Published in Funny
• September 24, 2022

While I can’t say for certain, I can wager it’s a safe guess that you too are a fan of satirical news. Or maybe there’s a morbid curiosity about what sort of newsworthy headlines have made a list of stories that are so absurd it’s hard to believe they aren’t from a satirical news source like ‘The Onion.’

I can’t blame you for either reason. Satire is a truly entertaining genre that does an excellent job at “punching up” and putting a fun twist on social commentary.

And in the dumpster fire that is the world today, it can be nice to have a break from the horror of the real news and have a laugh with some satirical news. Even better, it’s something that’s easy to share with friends with a few simple clicks.

Unfortunately, because of the dumpster fire that is in the world as we currently know it, it’s suddenly become difficult to discern with a glance between satirical and real-life news. Thanks to the popular ‘Not The Onion’ subreddit, we’re given an easy and amusing way to scroll through some “true stories that are so mind-blowingly ridiculous that you could have sworn they were from The Onion.”

We collected some of the best overall and some excellent recent headlines to share with you today. Some are definitely unbelievable at first (or second) glance, but they are 100% legit.

Other headlines manage to highlight how freaking weird life is. Keep scrolling to see some of the most truly bizarre news headlines.

Pregnant Texas woman driving in HOV lane told police her unborn child counted as a passenger

This happened to her TWICE. The first time her citation was thrown out by a Judge, and she has since given birth.

Boy takes books in MICROWAVE after school bans bags

A mini-fridge would've been cooler. 😎

Hulu to ‘Parasite’ haters: ‘If you don’t want to read subtitles,’ learn Korean

충분히 쉽습니다!

'No decision expected' for EU decision on unanimous decisions

That...doesn't seem to make any sense.

Texas Gov. excludes gun control from special committees on school shootings

Of course Abbott did.

Hunter dies after elephant falls on him

Sweet, sweet karma.

Negative Reviews for Scented Candles Rise Along with COVID-19 Cases

Fun fact: My husband and I have started referring to rises in cases of COVID-19 as a rise in "Negative Yankee Candle Reviews"

Trump dedicates golf trophy to hurricane victims

Oh boy, that's super helpful. Who needs potable water or electricity?

https://denverite.com/2021/05/04/two-denver-police-officers-suspended-for-using-violence-on-nonviolent-people-during-protests-against-police-violence/

It's All Carrots And Bananas these days.

Tom Hardy Surprise Enters Martial Arts Competition and Wins Gold: ‘He Lived Up to His Bane Character, That’s for Sure’

Could you even IMAGINE? All of a sudden, you're sparring Tom Hardy.

8-Year-Old Calls Out NPR For Lack Of Dinosaur Stories

Ben Affleck finally achieves lifelong dream of not having to play Batman anymore

Happy for him, good job on achieving your dreams, Benjamin.

First patient to communicate via brain implant asks to hear Tool album

The man suffering from ALS underwent an invasive implantation procedure in order to continue communicating with his family. I wonder which TOOL album he wanted to listen to...

Poll: 80% of voters think the U.S. is spiraling out of control

I recognize this is a little bit of an older survey, but really? Only 80%?

Mariah Carey says we should finally hear her secret 1995 grunge album

I am 100% here for this. I want to listen to it NOW.

GameStop Is Having A TikTok Competition For Its Employees And One Of The Prizes Is 10 Extra Labor Hours

We're living in a capitalist hellscape.

Dogs cannot get ‘autism’, British Veterinary Association warns after ‘anti-vaxx’ movement spread to pets

Also: 📢 VACCINES DO ✨NOT✨ CAUSE AUTISM ❗️

Anti-vaccine group sues Facebook, claims fact-checking is “censorship”

"We can't fear monger with facts!" - Robert F. Kennedy Jr., probably.

Norwegian chessmaster leaves game on second move against accused anal cheater

Who knew Chess could be so kinky?

Man arrested for smoking marijuana while in court for marijuana charge

He's passionate about what he loves.

United Nations official visiting Alabama to investigate 'great poverty and inequality'

America is quickly unraveling from being considered a "developed nation."

Man who ate $120,000 art banana said he would've done it sooner, but wasn't hungry yet

That's legit though, you gotta honor your body and eat when you're hungry.

Nevada Man Who Claimed to Have Proof of Illegal Voting Pleads Guilty to Voting Twice

Was his "proof" his own dumbassery? (Spoiler: Yes, it was.)

Meta's threat to close down Facebook and Instagram in Europe backfires as EU leaders embrace shutdown: 'Life would be very good without'

Yeah, I fully agree with them. I regularly have to take a break from Facebook and Instagram.

Mike Pence Once Ratted Out His Fraternity Brothers For Having A Keg

This is literally zero percent shocking. Everything about Mike Pence screams "narc."

Sheriff says Atlanta shooting suspect was “fed up” and had a “really bad day”

I've had a LOT of really f**king bad days and have been PLENTY fed up with everything and STILL HAVE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT HURTING OTHER PEOPLE.

White House threatens to fire anyone who tries to quit

I'm not sure that's the power-play they think it is.

Shaquille O'Neal says gorillas freak out when he comes near, and Zoo Miami executive confirms they are intimidated by his large size

O'Neal is an *extremely* large man, I too, would freak out a bit internally if I were to come across him in person.

DoorDash spent $5.5 million to advertise their $1 million charity donation

I feel like they could've just ... donated $6.5 million instead and been good people without needing publicity.

Hipster whines at tech mag for using his pic to imply hipsters look the same, discovers pic was of an entirely different hipster

He was a tool before it was popular.

McDonald's robber demands chicken nuggets, has to accept breakfast food because it was still too early

A McMuffin may not be equivalent to some chicken nuggies, but apparently, it'll do in a pinch.

Amazon admits its drivers sometimes have to pee in bottles

Another reason on a long list to stop supporting Amazon.

Facebook wants to attract young people, but Gen Z teens say it's a 'boomer social network' made for 'old people'

Hahaha, get rekt Boomers. (Also, as a millenial, ouch.)

People no longer believe working hard will lead to a better life, survey shows

Maybe because we've freaking lived it for decades with no change.

Arizona plans to execute prisoners with the same deadly gas used by the Nazis at Auschwitz, documents show

Excuse me, they plan to WHAT?

Parents Want High School Principal Removed For Listening To IRON MAIDEN; Students Rally Behind Her

Why are people so eager to be angry or offended about everything?

Mark Zuckerberg Says Meta Employees “Lovingly” Refer to Him as “The Eye of Sauron”

My dude, it's not as lovingly as you think it is.

Japan urges its young people to drink more to boost economy

I mean, Japan will be having bigger issues than how much people drink in less than a generation.

Don't eat or inject yourself with disinfectant, warns FDA commissioner

That is the face of a man completely fed up with all the bullsh*t.

FDA: Do not cook chicken in NyQuil

Man, the poor FDA has had to make some really obvious announcements to keep people from poisoning themselves recently.

Gay men have taken over the Proud Boys Twitter hashtag

Honestly, bless all gay men.

Philadelphia Flyers Mascot Gritty on His ‘Abbott Elementary’ Cameo: ‘I’m Not in the Business of Explaining Myself’

We stan Gritty

Somali Militant Group Al-Shabaab Announces Ban On Single-Use Plastic Bags

In addition to banning plastic bags, the group also issued an immediate ban on the logging of indigenous trees.

Woman Named Marijuana Pepsi, Who Refused To Change Her Name, Earns Her Ph.D After Completing Dissertation On Black Names

I am being 100% sincere when I say: Way to kick ass, Dr. Marijuana Pepsi Vandyck.

US Military Could Lose Space Force Trademark to Netflix Series

And here I didn't think the "Space Force" could be more embarrassing.

Passenger turned away from two flights after wearing 10 layers of clothing to avoid luggage fee

So what's the sweet spot then - 3, or 4 layers of clothes?

Reddit CEO tells user, “we are not the thought police,” then suspends that user

Do...do they not see the irony?

OKC jailers face cruelty charge; playing 'Baby Shark' on loop is 'inhuman,' prosecutor says

Can children also face cruelty charges for playing 'Baby Shark' on repeat? Asking for all the parents of young kids...

UPS Loses Family's $846K Inheritance, Offers to Refund $32 Shipping Fee

I wonder if they bought insurance for the package?

Coronavirus homeschooling: 77 percent of parents agree teachers should be paid more after teaching own kids, study says

And yet...

J.K. Rowling's new book, about a character accused of transphobia, raises eyebrows

Wont somebody think of the TERF's feelings?!

People Are Accusing Robinhood Of Stealing From The Poor To Give To The Rich After It Limited Trading On GameStop Shares

That's not how Robin Hood's story goes.

Hiker lost on mountain for 24 hours ignored calls from rescuers because he didn’t recognize phone number

My god, I would likely end up doing the same gotdang thing.

White House: 'The science should not stand in the way' of reopening schools – as it happened

I really don't understand why the leadership in the U.S. has been so eager to let everyone suffer and die with no remorse.

‘Black Mirror’ Creator Says the World Is Too Bleak Right Now for Season 6 to Happen

Thanks, I guess?

A YouTuber got the inflammatory right-wing commentator Katie Hopkins to fly to Prague to pick up a fake award whose initials spelled out the C-word

Pieters and Manners awarded Hopkins the Campaign to Unify the Nation Trophy.

North Korean Founder Kim Il Sung Did Not Have the Ability to Teleport, State Media Admits

An interesting turn of events for North Korea.

Baby Boomers Are More Sensitive Than Millennials, According To The Largest-Ever Study On Narcissism

I have a feeling that Baby Boomers are going to take issue with this.

Never Forget The CEO Who Bashed Millennials Over Entitlement Despite Being Handed Job By Dad

It can be really hard to see past the Nepotism.

After permit approved for whites-only church, small Minnesota town insists it isn't racist

Mmm, their insistence doesn't seem to hold much weight.

A zoo has been trying to get two pandas to mate for 10 years. When coronavirus shut the zoo down, the pandas finally did

Obviously, they just wanted some PRIVACY. Not everyone is into being watched, y'know.

Phew, sh*ts been crazy the last few years, yall. And just to reiterate: the headlines shared are all totally real, we even linked to the original article under each picture.

Which of the headlines we shared were the most surprising to you? Have you come across a headline that you needed to do a double-take to make sure it wasn’t from a satire website?

Drop a comment to let us know about it! And be sure to give your friends a break from their daily to-do lists and share this with them for an entertaining break.

Kylin