40 Times Sleep-Talkers Have Entertained Their Partners And Family Members

People say some random and crazy things while they're half asleep

Stephanie

• Published in Funny
• September 29, 2020

Sleep-talking is one of the most common (and entertaining) behaviors that can occur during sleep. The disorder, formerly known as somniloquy, occurs when people talk in their sleep, completely unaware of what's happening.

Now, as far as disorders go, this one isn't so bad - it's actually pretty funny for those witnessing it. People can say some pretty random and crazy stuff while they're asleep!

One Reddit user asked people to share stories about the interesting things they've heard from their sleep-talking partners or relatives. Well, the thread went viral, and the stories are endless - keep scrolling to read 40 of the very best!

#1 “I seeee youuuu.”

Heck yes. Please take a seat. My wife was an avid sleep-talker for a long time and her midnight announcements range from simple single words to elaborate speeches. The ones that really stand out to me are: Waking up in the middle of the night to her suddenly sitting violently up in bed, throwing back the covers, and screeeeaaaaming: “TARANTULA!!”. That will make you very awake, very quickly. Whispering my name repeatedly, which woke me up so she could share in a hushed, cautious voice: “There is an alligator in here.” When I expressed my concern (playing along), she told me, still whispering, that: “It’s okay. It has been here before.” But my all-time favorite was when, from her perspective as she later explained, she was dreaming that I was playfully sneaking up on her and she saw me and was calling me on it. From my perspective, my wife sat up in the middle of the night, staring into the darkest corner of the room and said repeatedly in a soft sing-song voice: “I seeee youuuu.” My flipping blood froze.

#2 “Wait, this isn’t a penguin!”

So this one time, while my s/o was sleeping, she randomly reaches over and starts to pet my leg softly. When I ask her what she’s doing, she looks at me like I’m stupid and says, “what does it look like? I’m petting this fluffy baby penguin.” Then pauses for a second, pats my leg again, and blurts out, “Wait, this isn’t a penguin!” I have never laughed so hard over someone talking in their sleep.

#3 “You’re putting BREAD in my ears!”

My boyfriend once blurted out, “you’re putting BREAD in my ears” in his sleep, mumbled something unintelligible, and then followed up with, “and I’m becoming a SANDWICH.” Still makes me laugh whenever I remember.

#4 "Can you stop that!!!"

My boyfriend woke me up the other day by gently putting his fingers in my mouth, and I kept moving my head out of the way until eventually, I was like, “can you stop that!!!”

He then sounded genuinely upset and asked why I woke him up as he was having a really nice dream about feeding a deer. Brilliant.

#5 “You got the wrong guy.”

He farted very loudly and proceeded to say, “you got the wrong guy.”

#6 Sigh

Sigh; my boyfriend either recites postcodes (delivery driver) or calls the dog in his sleep. So either he is mad no one is responding to his postcode nonsense, or I get a flying 30kg dog to my body.

#7 Either a tree or a magic eraser

Napping with the boyfriend, a loud noise wakes me, but he's still out.

Me: What was that?!

Him: Either a tree or a magic eraser.

#8 "Nothing much to do but kinda prod them along back to their bed."

Not a partner, but in military training and school, I often took the night shift for guard duty. The amount of sleepwalkers and talkers is way higher than I expected. It is straight creepy when you have to walk down the halls with a covered flashlight listening to big-ass grown men mumbling and lashing out in their sleep.

What takes the cake, though, is often sleepwalkers will just kinda stop randomly. So you'll be walking along in the pitch-black darkness, and suddenly there is just a [damn] dude standing there. Eyes generally closed, or worse... open, just kinda listing to the side or leaning against a bedpost or wall. After I'd suppress all the swear words I was about to yell out; nothing much to do but kinda prod them along back to their bed. For all the randomness that is being part of the military, I really didn't expect one of my jobs to be gently tucking my fellow soldiers back into their beds.

#9 He's a notorious sleep talker.

My husband and I got married just 3 months ago, and I found out he's a notorious sleep talker. Some nights he would roll over to me, kiss me full on the mouth, tell me he loves me, then plonk right back on his pillow and start snoring again(this actually happens regularly, much to my delight lol). Other nights he would blurt out things like how he would install a new server at the sheriff's office, or there's a snake on his palm, and when I asked what it's doing, he answered that it's coding something.

I now enjoy staying up late and am a proud owner of several recordings of my husband's sleep talkings. Recently, I got him answering math questions, and it tickled me silly how he got them all correct.

#10 "It was really wholesome."

This actually happened last night. My fiance started talking to me like we had never met before, and after a minute, I realized that she was dreaming about our first date. It was really wholesome, and I was surprised at how much detail she remembers.

#11 "How much is the steel?"

I remember one night, mum and I sat in the hallway giggling because my brother and dad were having a sleep conversation in different rooms.

Dad: “DO YOU SELL STEEL HERE?”

Brother: “CAN I HELP YOU, DAD?”

Dad: “I WANT TO BUY SOME STEEL”

Brother: “WHAT?”

Dad: “HOW MUCH IS THE STEEL?”

#12 "That's why you are the smartest person I know."

My wife started screaming one night that she was lost in the local grocery store. And that no matter where she went, she couldn't find her way out. I asked her has she tried checking out at the cash registers? She then looked at me and said in her most sincere voice, "that's why you are the smartest person I know." And she rolled over and fell back asleep.

#13 "Shut UP, I'm sleeping!"

Lmaoo one time, my ex was asleep and startes to snore progressively loud. He startled himself half awake, and he says out loud (to himself), "shut UP, I'm sleeping." Oh I snorted my drink through my nose.

#14 "Oh whoa whoa, it's a corner cat."

Fantastic sleep songs with lyrics which are utterly bizarre. My two absolute favorites have been:

"Oh whoa whoa, it's a corner cat."

"Obey my rules, an' you'll always be, a country cowboy" - repeated about 5 times and finished with a "yeaaahhhh."

#15 "NO GANDALF!"

Ex-roommate talked in his sleep. Once, he cried out, "NO GANDALF!"

#16 "They're coming?"

I'm the sleep-talker here; got this from my wife the next morning.

Me:Sits bolt upright, "They're coming. Everything's ready."

Wife: Sleepily, "Huh?"

Me: "They're coming. Everything's ready."

Wife: "They're coming?"

Me: "Mmm hmm."

Wife: "But everything's ready?"

Me: "...yes"

Wife: "Sounds like we're ok then."

Me: Comically flops back down and instantly goes back to sleep.

#17 "DONKEY KICK!"

My wife was mumbling a lot and suddenly shouted "DONKEY KICK!" as she kicked me in my shin, so that was fun.

#18 He punched her!

My grandfather was a hard sleep-talker, my grandmother has a funny story.

One day my grandfather, while sleeping, was saying, "do i punch this asshole?" My grandmother replied, "yeah punch him," then my grandfather in his sleep punched her.

#19 “Air flow, B**ch!”

We were freshly married and living overseas. My husband hadn’t had much sleep the nights before, which usually enhances any sleep talking. It was hot in our room. My husband mumbled something which I didn’t quite catch. I asked him to repeat it. He got up, opened the bedroom window and said very pointedly “Air flow, B**ch!” then laid back down, completely asleep. Now, my husband has never, not once, ever called me a name or even raised his voice to me, so this is particularly hilarious.

Also, this happened before Breaking Bad was a big thing, so maybe my husband is the original Jesse Pinkman? Except without all the meth and mayhem, of course.

#20 "Yes, it’s very tasty."

I woke up one night when my husband started flailing around in the bed. It shocked me and I shouted, “what’s wrong?” Then he punched me in the face. I yelled out and started crying, then he woke up and shouted, “what’s wrong?” He dreamt he was being chased and then turned round and punched them.

My mum who is in her 80s, often falls asleep in her chair while I’m visiting her. She sleep eats. Not real food but she goes through the motions of holding a plate and bringing food to her mouth. It’s hilarious watching her. I asked her once if it was nice and she said, "yes, it’s very tasty."

#21 A "dead hand" fell on her!

My mom tells a story about a time she fell asleep with her arm above her head. It lost circulation and dropped onto her chest, but she had no feeling in it since it “fell asleep”. When it flopped on her chest she woke up and tried to throw her asleep arm, screaming that a dead hand had fallen on her.

#22 "I'm in place where punch buggies are seen first."

Years ago, my wife was mumbling in her sleep and seemed a bit upset. I wanted to comfort her, without waking her up too much, so I said, "Honey, you're fine. Do you know where you are?"

She slugged me in the arm, and said "I'm in place where punch buggies are seen first." She then rolled over and muttered to herself, "chugga-chugga-chugga-buggy", and went back to sleep.

She didn't remember a thing the next morning.

#23 I was checking to see if she was a ghost.

I'm the sleep talker. A long while back my fiancee was working a job where she didn't get home until after midnight. She came home one night, and was leaning over the table on my side of the bed. She swears up and down that I looked up at her, smacked her on the top of the head, and when she asked what the hell that I told her I was checking to see if she was a ghost. Now, I do remember having a dream like this, but in my dream my hand did go through her head, proving she was a ghost.

#24 “I’m holding a baby and it has an adult smile!”

My aunt likes to tell the story about her and my cousin sharing a hotel room one time. My aunt woke up having to pee, and found my cousin sitting up in bed with her arms folded across her abdomen, kind of rocking back and forth and giggling quietly. When my aunt asked her what she was doing, my cousin said, “I’m holding a baby and it has an adult smile!”

I found this story deeply unsettling.

#25 "No No NO, you SPUNKY LESBIAN!"

My girlfriend once yelled in her sleep, "no No NO you SPUNKY LESBIAN!"

I'm a dude.

Still tease her about it.

#26 He thought he'd lost his arm.

He started shouting that he couldn’t feel his left arm. I pointed out he was pinching his pillow, not his arm. He then freaked out that he had lost his arm. I pointed out his arm was UNDER his pillow. He said ok and started snoring. It took me another hour to get back to sleep. He didn’t wake up at all.

#27 "Well I guess that answers my question."

My mom sleepwalks sometimes. When she was in the middle of her residency, she came into my room in the middle of the night and sharply asked, "Did you give {patient} her dose of {medication} like I asked you to 15 minutes ago?"

I groggily replied, "Who? What?"

She just huffed and said, "Well I guess that answers my question." Before turning around and leaving (without closing the door of course).

She didn't remember a thing about it the next morning.

#28 "Did you find your rocks?"

My girl woke up one night and said "Did you find your rocks?" and I asked her what she was talking about, and she said, "I don't know, I'm just trying to make conversation," and promptly went back to sleep.

She has no recollection of this.

#29 That was creepy.

He got up, went into the kitchen and ate one bite of a mini pecan pie - no fork, just a straight bite - then apparently remembered he hates pecan pie and left it stacked neatly on the little box.

Another time he sat up and stared straight ahead at the wall, didn't respond to me asking what was wrong. He stood up, walked into the wall, then stood there like he was contemplating the barrier. He just backed up exactly as he came, sat down and swung back into bed like nothing happened. That was creepy.

#30 “Just so you know, there’s something in the closet."

I have had funnier experiences than this one, but cannot remember exactly what was said... most recently, though:

My boyfriend scoots over to me to big spoon/little spoon, and I snuggle in, thinking that’s all it was, then he gets real close to my ear and whispers, “Just so you know, there’s something in the closet. Like a... a cartoon turtle.” I did my best not to bust out laughing and just said, “Ok honey!” When he woke up, he had no memory of it whatsoever, of course!

#31 Coincidence?

Husband woke up in the morning and told me about a crazy dream he had:

We were hosting a party and he was serving cookies. He was upset that nobody was eating them. When we went downstairs, we discovered a full plate of cookies sitting on our dining table.

#32 "Where is the secret of the time?"

A friend who was next to my room in a high school dorm used to sleepwalk. He also used to sleep earlier than the rest of the floor. So one night, around midnight, we all were up and talking (in my room), except him (he'd gone to sleep). We were kinda worried that the dorm advisor would cut our chill session and tell us to go to sleep.

Suddenly, we hear someone banging on the door of the room. I get up to go open it, and as soon as I turn the handle, the door comes FLYING towards me. I was knocked back into a table and standing there was my sleepwalking friend.

He says, "Where is the secret of the time?", and without waiting for an answer, walks back to his room, climbs into his bunk bed (top) and goes to sleep. Needless to say we were all surprised but being teenagers, we never let him forget it. It became a running joke in the school.

#33 "I have to fire you."

My husband once sat bolt upright on bed an announced, "You're not working hard enough. I have to fire you," and went back to sleep.

#34 "THEY ARE!”

My brother did that in the middle of the night. He would get up, go into the living room, say some nonsense [crap] to our parents and go back to bed. It was actually pretty creepy the first times, because he was like, “They ARE in the walls. THEY ARE!”

#35 “There’s somebody downstairs in the kitchen, unrolling the tinfoil.”

My wife will tell me the next day when I do this.

Her favorite story to tell is that she woke up in the middle of the night to find me slowly walking out of our bedroom. Wife: “Are you ok? What are you doing?” Me: “There’s somebody downstairs in the kitchen, unrolling the tinfoil.” Wife: “Ooooo-Kay. What’s your plan?” Me: “I’m going to stop them.” Wife: “Shall we get a bit more sleep then both go down together?” Me: “Ok.”

And I went back to bed.

Subsequent investigations found a small plastic bag on the floor, near my head, being rustled by the movement of the curtain, the window being open.

#36 Our house was like Fort Knox!

Not a partner but...1 o'clock in the morning I got a phone call from my friend in the next street. My 6 year old daughter had just knocked on her door and then walked in mumbling about not being able to do her sums! I raced up there and walked home with her, put her back to bed, and she didn't wake up or remember a thing the next day. By the next night our house was like Fort Knox!!!

#37 "I can hear something, don't move."

One night, my boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night, tapping me on my shoulder. He put his finger on his mouth, whispered, "shush," to me, then pointed at the door and told me, "I can hear something, don't move." Predictably, I nearly [crap] my pants. All the worst possible scenarios crossed my mind, and the moment of silence after he shushed me felt like hours. Then, he started waving his hands and talking about Tetris, 'the twirlies' (idk), and making sure we don't align... And that's how I learnt my boyfriend talks in his sleep.

#38 "Sorry, I tend to do that from time to time."

Roommate, freshman year of college, was a sleepwalker/sleep-talker. We were in the freshman dorms, small little room. I woke up one night and saw him sitting straight up on the side of the bed just staring at me (eyes fully open), just talking gibberish about golf. He was going on about Phil Mickelson or some [crap]. Have to be honest, it was creepy as all hell because he was staring directly into my eyes. Next morning, I told him about it and he just laughed and said, "sorry, I tend to do that from time to time."

#39 “What about, like... a really tall giraffe?”

My one claim to sleep-talking fame is that as I was waking up I was talking in my dream, so my partner heard me say, out of nowhere, “What about, like... a really tall giraffe?”

I remember saying it. I have no memory of what problem I was facing that I thought might be solved by a really tall giraffe.

#40 She discovered a way to study while sleeping.

My wife was in her finals week, so she woke up in the middle of the night telling me she discovered a way to study while sleeping... So I asked her how, and she closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

Stephanie