These 36 Traits Indicate That You Weren't Loved Enough By Your Parents As A Child According to 20+ Redditors With Experience

Although it's difficult to define "good" and "poor" parenting techniques, some of us definitely lacked affection as kids. What if certain behaviors demonstrate precisely that?

Jesse

• Published in Interesting
• December 20, 2021

Nobody is born into this big wild world with a fully formed personality that springs from their genetic makeup. A large part of our lives is influenced by the way we were raised; nevertheless, there are many other factors that play a role.

Despite the difficulty in determining what "good" and "poor" parenting techniques are, some of us did not form a close relationship with our parents due to a lack of attention and affection. To say the least.

It seemed inevitable that when someone asked, "What screams 'You weren't loved by your parents as a child' without saying it" on r/AskReddit, it would elicit a long thread of insightful comments.

People with complicated relationships with their parents resonate with the responses and share some of their own experiences. Some people, however, are fortunate enough to have had caring and involved parents who gave them the love and care they needed as kids.

Regardless of your experience, the goal of this article is to further explore the impacts that such an upbringing can have on our lives.

Scroll down to see some of the most interesting traits shared by users, and feel free to express your thoughts in the comments if you agree or disagree with them.

The question elicited a long thread of insightful comments

1. Apologizing constantly and unnecessarily for basically existing

I was going to say this. I had to apologize to my stepmom for breathing loud, for standing somewhere she'd just decided she wanted to stand, for not being in a room when she suddenly decided she wanted to tell me something, for needing to eat and sleep and use the bathroom. People would laugh about how they could yell 'hey, come here!' and the moment I got there I'd apologize first thing. But it was an absolute survival mechanism.

2. Having an Insecure attachment personality, both avoidant and anxious

One thing that I know I did a lot is have an extremely exaggerated personality because of how bad your social anxiety is. You constantly think everyone is judging you, so you have this carefully calculated sort of facade. You seem funny and spontaneous and extroverted, easy to talk to, and friendly, basically, you become that quirky weird kid. You try so hard to be funny and likable, be just weird enough but in a sort of funny way so that people will like you. Then you get home and are absolutely drained because you really have no social battery but force yourself to have one because that's what your carefully crafted personality calls for. You seem spontaneous and funny but really every move is carefully calculated.

Susan Petang, a certified life coach from "The Quiet Zone Coaching," in an interview, discussed how our upbringing could affect us later in life;

The relationship we have with our parents is super important. When we're children, the adults in our lives are our role models. They show us what it's like to be mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, and how to handle problems, stress, and difficulty.

She further states that we emulate our parents' behavior, even though sometimes we don't realize it.

3. You feel nothing when you're away from your parents for a long time

You don’t miss them, like at all.

4. Silent breakdowns or hysterics

My special talent is breaking into full-on hysterics in total silence *with my bedroom open* and then less than 2 minutes later, walk out of my room and nobody has a clue I just had a total breakdown. I cried myself to sleep most of my 26 years so you just get used to it and forget it's not normal.

5. Not liking or loving yourself. Being able to identify people by their footsteps, the sound of their car outside, how they move around the house, etc.

Even more importantly, Susan warned that a lack of attention and care in childhood might lead to a wide range of emotional problems as an adult.

Lack of self-esteem and the inability to communicate, resolve problems, and manage stress are just some of the problems that can result. It’s important to understand that what we observe as children guides our behavior later in life, she said.

If our parents didn't get along with others, we probably won't, either; if the adults in our lives were distant, remote, critical, or negative, the chances are high that we'll do the same. It's also possible that we'll become the extreme opposite of our parents. For example, a girl who has an emotionally unavailable mom might decide that she's not going to be like her mother—and might end up being used and taken advantage of emotionally, instead.

6. Flinching up and closing everything out when someone yells or gets mad at you

7. Not being able to self validate

No one taught you how to be confident and sure of yourself...Poor decision making/indecisive...Insecure attachments.

8. Being shocked when a “kid” says how much they love their parent and they mean everything to them and the parent is loving and affectionate

No need to be worried, Susan reassured us that having parents who weren't too affectionate doesn't guarantee a life of misery. The life coach concluded by saying that;

Even if your childhood role models were poor, it's still possible to learn how to have healthy relationships and positive behavior

9. Constant need of approval by an authority figure

For example, constantly trying to please your history teacher that kinda reminds you of your dad. So every time he grades you well, you feel like you accomplished something; even though he's just your teacher, not your dad, he won't listen to your problems or be present. He's just grading the tests.

10. Having a huge void in your life where no matter how much love you receive, it’s never enough and you never feel like enough

11. Having trouble asking for basic needs

12. Difficulty trusting others

13. Spending every moment of your life overanalyzing everything and everyone for that exact moment they are going to snap and lash out at you

14. They can't mention any achievement without "balancing" it with a mistake

Your whole family sees you as nothing but a punchline. The only reason you fear them outliving you is that they'd use your funeral as an excuse to humiliate you even further in front of people who actually cared.

15. Seeing your phone ringing with your parents name and having an anxiety attack about answering

16. Constantly feeling like everyone has a problem with you even if you have no reason to believe such a thing

I have great roommates, and they're some of my best friends, but at times I feel that they hate me. I know they don't, I have no reason to believe such things, but when I wake up, I sometimes believe that my friends absolutely hate me. In response to these emotions, I tend to work very hard to try and get them to "like me" I'll buy them food or surprise them with things I know they'll like. It eats away at me, but even more, I tend to believe everyone I meet for the first time hates me. Constantly I need people to tell me they're not mad at me. I need to be reassured, and it's a dreadful feeling.

17. Doing kind things to people, but being unable to say kind things. Love means providing things like food, shelter, and clothes, but not gentle words because you didn't learn them

Not knowing how to take a compliment, because you're waiting for the other shoe to drop like, "you're so smart. So, why aren't you doing better in school?" It's better to deny the compliment.

Feeling a constant need to placate, mediate, intervene, and concede to avoid arguments. You don't like to see other people fighting or being angry at you, so you do your best to make other people happy to reduce your anxiety.

Learning to walk silently, avoid interrupting people, talk softly, and just generally avoid sticking out because you fear that confrontation is the first step to abuse.

Surrounding yourself with toxic friends because that's "normal." Your loved ones are supposed to take advantage of you and be mean if they follow it up with something equally nice after.

Having an abusive or neglectful significant other because you've learned to associate love with being hurt or neglected. You don't deserve constant love all the time from your partner. People hurt you sometimes, but you still love them. Being uncared for when you need to be comforted isn't the worst thing when negative attention means feeling worse than being alone.

18. Oversharing. Not being able to set boundaries

I seek the empathy I didn't have, I try not to overshare but it's hard when you're starving, but I do have good boundaries otherwise.

19. People pleasing

To the point of physical exhaustion. And it’s still never enough.

20. If your parent(s) used hurtful words on you as a kid, and you still feel the sting as an adult, then there's a problem

They said” I have to love you, but I don’t have to like you” I was 7

21. Constantly and desperately seeking attention

I work in schools and I find often kids will purposely get themselves into trouble to get attention from the staff because they're starved for attention at home.

22. Overly defensive about everything

Always trying to defend yourself for things you know are in the right. I.e (My room is already clean why are you even yelling, or stop telling me to do things I already do) I only know this because I’m always put in situations like this and allow other people’s words to have power over me

23. Always trying so hard to fit in or seek validation from others

Please, for the love of God, laugh at my [lame] jokes and listen to me talk in circles for way too long while I try to kid myself I’m making an interesting point

24. Feeling the need to create a false, altered version of events to tell people, and then realizing that the actual version of events was A) perfectly acceptable and B) makes more sense than the fabricated version of events

Telling truth can get you into trouble. You don't do it. Abused people become excellent storytellers.

25. Praising themselves for your accomplishments that have nothing to do with them and any hobby or activity is because "you take after me"

Having a parental unit tell you multiple times that they "never wanted kids"

Having them yell at you for not understanding how to do math problems when you're just learning them.

Having them talk more to the father of your child than they do to you.

26. When you marry into a family and you completely shut down at family gatherings because you don’t know how to insert yourself into conversations because this family actually loves each other

All you know is that you were told that no one wants to hear about you and they only want to talk about themselves so you have to be the giving person but then feeling sad that no one took the time to ask you about yourself. Feeling bad for feeling sad or lonely but thinking you also deserve it because you must be selfish if you feel negative about people just not asking about you even though you put so much effort into talking about them that you know good and well they likely never had the opportunity. Censoring your own art because you had to do that where you grew up, but if someone stumbles upon your art and praises you for it you freeze up because you have no idea what to do about it.

It's hard for some of us to fully understand the impacts that a lack of parental love can have on our lives. It's not always easy to see the signs, but if you're feeling lost or alone, this may be why.

Sometimes you feel like no one in the world understands you—and, in a way, you're right. While it may be difficult to cope, there is hope.

You can work on building a better relationship with yourself or work on developing closer bonds with friends and loved ones.

Can you relate to any of the 36 traits, or have you noticed any in someone else? Let us know in the comments below!

Jesse