28-Year-Old Struggles With Dad's Divorce Secret And Debates Pressuring Him To Tell Her Mom

"She has no idea it’s coming."

Damjan

• Published in Interesting
• August 6, 2023

Divorces, even when they may seem overdue or necessary, often take a considerable toll on families, and the pain is deeply felt by children, regardless of their age. There's a misconception that only young children suffer from the emotional upheaval that divorces cause, but adult children experience their share of pain, confusion, and even guilt.

When children mature, the roles sometimes shift, and parents often lean on them for emotional support. Yet, this newfound responsibility can place adult children in the middle of chaos, causing them to bear an unfair burden.

OP, a 28-year-old woman, finds herself in such a challenging predicament. Her parents have been tethered in an unhappy marriage for two decades, despite being together for 33 years.

Their union was anchored not in mutual happiness but in their religious beliefs that frowned upon divorce. However, the veneer of the strong marital bond shattered when OP's father confided in her about his decision to file for divorce.

His plan was methodical - inform the other siblings first, consult a lawyer, and then break the news to OP's unsuspecting mother. This revelation has been agonizing for OP.

Not only is she grappling with the impending dissolution of her parents' long-standing marriage, but she also finds herself in the unenviable position of bearing a secret from her mother, whom she speaks to daily. The weight of the secret has taken a toll on OP's emotional well-being, causing her sleepless nights and incessant tears.

She contemplates urging her father to come clean to her mother sooner rather than later, primarily to alleviate her own emotional distress. However, she's torn, wondering if it's right for her to interject her personal desires into an already heart-wrenching situation.

At its core, this dilemma underscores the complexities and nuanced challenges adult children face when their parents part ways. While OP's feelings are valid, the question remains: Is it right for her to impose her wishes on an already emotionally charged situation?

OP asks:

Her parents are in an unhappy marriage, but they weren't considering divorce due to religious reasons. Dad finally decided to file for divorce, and he informed his kids first...

OP was placed in a difficult situation because her mom has no idea about what's coming

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole:

This could (and probably will) cause a breach of trust and many issues between OP and her mom

Dad shouldn't have dragged his kids into this

He needs to speak with his wife ASAP

"Is he hoping one of you will tell mom so he doesn’t have to?"

"Going to lawyer first however is low hit, assuming there is still decency between the two of them."

This Redditor disagrees:

The bottom line is:

Divorce is tough, no matter how you slice it. OP is caught in the middle of a real messy situation, and it's clear she's hurting. Holding onto a big secret like that is a lot to handle, especially when you're close to both parents.

But here's the thing: this is between her mom and dad. While it's totally understandable that OP wants to get the secret off her chest and feel better, pushing her dad to spill the beans on her timeline might not be the best move.

After being together for so many years, her parents have got a ton of history and emotions to work through. Even though OP is an adult and is feeling the strain, she has to remember this isn't her call to make.

Maybe OP should think about talking to someone outside the family, like a counselor or a trusted friend, to help her deal with all this instead of rushing her dad.

Damjan