30 People Share Their Experiences With The Ugly Side Of "Pretty Privilege"

"After losing a little bit of weight everyone started treating me better in general."

Stephanie

• Published in Interesting
• November 8, 2021

We are all familiar with bias terms such as 'racism', 'sexism,' and 'ageism'. But one term you may not be so familiar with is 'lookism'.

'Lookism' is a term used to describe the discriminatory treatment of people based solely on their physical looks. More specifically, when people who are considered attractive receive better treatment in life.

Some people call it 'pretty privilege'. But, whatever you call it, it's pretty messed up!

Redditor u/ZeuslovesHer recently asked the question, "Is 'pretty privilege' real and what is your experience with it?" Sadly, many users had stories to share.

The Redditor said she came up with the idea for the post while browsing Instagram. "I saw people on Instagram talking about and being angry at someone beautiful, saying they get everything easy in life because they look good," she said.

The Redditor said it became clear that lookism is a genuine problem. "Pretty privilege happens everywhere, in all aspects of life, including the workplace and casual social interaction," she said.

"If you're at its receiving end, I think it can be useful in any circumstance," the Redditor said. "To get people to be more bendable to your needs, to help you more, to be more friendly, more understanding, more empathetic, etc."

So, is 'pretty privilege' something we can get rid of? u/ZeuslovesHer doesn't believe so.

"Unfortunately, I believe it's in our DNA to assess someone from the first moment we lay our eyes on them," she said. "It's probably just our genes telling us this is someone I'd be good to reproduce with, or someone I'd be good to be friends with, because their beauty might add some [social] benefits to my life."

"I'm sure a lot of it is subconscious," she said. "I don’t think this will change anytime soon, but I do think people are pretending to not care about looks, to be body-positive, etc. even though it's probably not how they actually feel."

We have 30 of the post's replies below. Scroll down to see what people had to say about 'pretty privilege' and its effects.

#1 "Quirky, interesting, and passionate."

Yep. When I was in highschool I was not attractive, so my personality was seen negatively because I'm "weird". I had a bit of a glow up the summer after graduating and now I'm "quirky", "interesting", and "passionate".

#2 "Some people are openly rude to you if they don’t find you good looking."

Big time it is. I was a very unattractive teenager and the world felt like a very harsh place. Some people are openly rude to you if they don’t find you good looking. As I did grow into my looks and became reasonably good looking, not heading down the catwalk or anything but nice enough, boy did the world open up. People (mostly men) became so much nicer to me and just much more accommodating. Pretty privilege is very very real, having been on both sides.

#3 "I’ve been tipped generously many times simply because customers thought I was pretty."

Very real. Nightlife (bar tending, etc) is good money, and they don’t hire people who are not at the very least conventionally attractive. I’ve been tipped generously many times simply because customers thought I was pretty. Mostly by gay men and straight women.

#4 It's "120% real."

120% real. I have a sister who is conventionally attractive. Whenever we go to an open bar event, she's the designated drink-getter, since the barmen will trip over themselves and/or each other to give her drinks, while ignoring the rest of us ugly plebs.

#5 "The better the school, the more attractive the student body."

Very attractive, or formerly very attractive, people are used to being listened to and will go on and on about anything. Also, I’ve worked at several universities and the better the school, the more attractive the student body. I assume this is because attractive people get extra attention and help from an early age. They expect and are expected to succeed early on.

#6 "The difference is night and day."

Yes. Was once obese and am now pretty good looking. The difference is night and day.

#7 "After losing a little bit of weight everyone started treating me better."

Yes. After losing a little bit of weight everyone started treating me better in general. It made me kinda mad tbh because I've never been rude to anyone just for being physically unattractive.

#8 "People definitely treat you differently when they think you're attractive."

I was born with a facial deformity and have since had multiple (10+) procedures to fix it. Growing up, people would literally stare at me, walk to the other side of the street, openly laugh, etc. At 12, I was at the mall with a friend when one of those childhood modeling services ran over and started praising my friend, looked at me, then went "but you're both beautiful in your own ways."

Now 21, apparently I've had enough work done that people are able to look at me because everyone is nicer, takes me seriously, and I get free drinks when I go out.

Yep. People definitely treat you differently when they think you're attractive.

#9 It's obvious.

Yes. I'm ugly, and when I worked alongside more beautiful women it was obvious how much better they were treated.

#10 "It is real."

It is real. I’m a good looking man that works in a technical field. I am very competent and certainly don’t get overlooked for it. I know plenty of people who are less attractive who do.

#11 "110."

I knew a girl who was a hostess at an 'upscale' restaurant. Her manager told her if any girls come in with a resume for a job, if they are unattractive/overweight to mark '110' on the top right of the paper. If you draw a diagonal line between the two ones, you are spelling out 'NO'.

#12 "The boss loved her."

I know a girl that was completely terrible at her job but the boss loved her. Kept getting promotions, bonuses, raises, and things like that when raises were frozen for everyone else. She ended up leaving her company to work at a more prestigious company.

#13 "Stereotyped as 'failures'."

As a trans woman I gotta say that it is real. Depressingly so.

My experiences have been that even if people know I’m trans they are generally pretty nice to me in real life.

You can totally see this in how society views what is a “successful” transition. The trans women who are deemed to somehow always represent what it means to be trans are almost always not just Cis passing but totally conventionally attractive.

The trans women who don’t fit neatly into those categories get stereotyped as “failures”.

#14 "No longer the guy everyone always wanted to be around."

Absolutely, the summer before my junior year I lost a ton of weight and when everyone saw me, I was 40 lb lighter than the previous year. I started getting more friends, teachers started talking to me more, girls were starting to notice me, etc. Now this could all be because I finally had my confidence up but it’s hard to tell.

The summer before my senior year I really dialed in and got into really great shape and that’s when I noticed a huge change. I was getting asked out by girls every other week until I finally got what would be my first long term relationship. Then I joined the Navy, gained maybe 20 lb in A school, and boom it was back to square one, no longer the guy everyone always wanted to be around.

#15 "The privilege goes away when I’m out with my 3 kids."

Without trying to brag I’m a decently attractive girl. I have a bit of a natural prettiness to me BUT I’m also really good at doing my make up, hair, clothes. I work out a lot too so I’m in shape. These are arguably more important than natural beauty.

Yes there’s a privilege when you’re attractive. Guys will do stuff for me, trip over themselves when I ask for help, buy me drinks etc. Is it worth all the sexual advances and harassment? Sometimes. I get catcalled a lot, people think I’m a dumb pretty girl, other women get really catty if I say anything to their boyfriend/husband. I get a lot of overly sexual messages.

What’s really funny is all the privilege goes away when I’m out with my 3 kids. It goes from a bunch dudes going out of their way to help to the opposite. Although I still get catcalled when I’m with my kids, a little too much.

#16 "There have been studies done on this."

Among cultures where I fit into that societies idea of beauty, people just give me stuff for no reason or give me passes if I have flubbed some requirement. Upgrades on flights, meals paid for, etc.

In areas where my look is not considered beautiful (Miami, Florida lol) I have literally been denied entry into a club. It really sucked. But hey

If you didn't piece it together, I have deep dark brown skin and stereotypically West African features. I was bullied pretty relentlessly throughout childhood, but that never really stopped me from liking my look. I did have pretty low self-esteem though.

When you are among people that think you are attractive, you are allowed to just live. If not, you find yourself being screwed with and denied access just because. I'm sure there is some element of this in many countries, but due to an especially narrow definition of beauty in the United States, it seems more pronounced.

BTW, there have been studies done on this.

#17 She meant well."

It's really f***ing hard to do any successful therapy because of pretty privilege, let me tell you. I have BPD and because of it, I have done and said some pretty f***ed up stuff. What is the response? Nothing that serious because look at me, I'm a cute and young-looking woman. I had one tell me, while I was having a breakdown because I've only ever been seen as "the pretty one" in my family: "I'm struggling to not tell you you're pretty, you're so beautiful!" I think she meant well, but not the time.

#18 She got a warning.

My attractive coworker and I were stopped on the same day, by the same trooper, for speeding. I'm a fugly dude, she's a 10/10 knockout. I was doing 81 mph in a 70 zone and got a ticket. She was doing 86 mph in a 70 zone and the trooper gave her a warning.

#19 "I know what it's like to be ugly."

Since I used to be fat and slimmed down I know what it's like to be ugly and what it's like to be seen as somewhat handsome.

It's definitely real.

#20 "If nothing else, you gain a lot of self confidence.

I invest a lot of time and money into my physical appearance for this reason. It sounds easy to say that you don’t need makeup to be beautiful and caring too much about how you look is vain, but when you’ve lived part of your life ugly and part of your life pretty you really do see plainly the benefits in all areas of life. If nothing else, you gain a lot of self confidence and that translates to everything including career ambition.

Especially for people who lack in other areas of privilege, you hang on to this one.

#21 "Instafamous."

Oh, I don’t know. Why not ask every POS who became instafamous for taking a good mugshot. Sure he shot up a theater, but he’s so handsome! Yeah he’s a rapist but look at those cheekbones! He needs a modeling contract ASAP!

#22 A 'regulation hottie'.

Pretty privilege is real, think Mean Girls where Cady was pretty much got handed over the top seats in the Girl World Pyramid seeing that she was a 'regulation hottie'. But I feel that even if you aren't born physically attractive, having a friendly face can make up for it. And it's much easier to attain, especially as you get older. Smiling and being nice shows on your face, and it does get people some perks!

#23 It's not a "personality thing."

So there was this girl who used to be in my school. She looks absolutely perfect. Thing is, she shares birthdays with me so on my birthday, all the attention would be on her. Thing is, according to my friend who was classmates with her, she's a total douche so ik this isn't a personality thing.

#24 Things changed.

When I used to live in LA, people often thought I was a model/actress and I typically found it to be a super fun, friendly city. I was in LA visiting family while pregnant and got acne for the first time since I was 14. People were so much less friendly, then got more friendly again only once my bump was clear. It was like all the nice people in LA reappeared.

#25 Tinder.

One word: Tinder.

#26 "Sometimes it helps to have these big ol' blue eyes."

I mean I accidentally hit an older guy with a door at the gas station the other day as I was leaving. I immediately started profusely apologizing, and when he turned around and saw me he immediately changed his face and said it was okay and not to worry. I noticed his Bucs hat so we chatted about football, told him to enjoy his beer and avoid any more doors to the heel and I apologized again, then we went on our way.

I know for a fact had I not been a (that day presentable lmao) female, he was definitely ready to go off. So... sometimes it helps to have these big ol' blue eyes hahaha.

#27 It's all you need to know.

Go on LinkedIn and look at any big companies' sales team/account managers...that's all you need to know.

#28 "I'm pretty confident in being able to 'cute' my way out of trouble."

I generally know that strangers will say yes to me or help me with stuff if I ask nice with a smile. I'm pretty confident in being able to 'cute' my way out of trouble, including with authority/security/cops.

#29 It's been proven.

It's actually been proven. Attractive people are more successful in life because of it (i.e they're seen as more competent with no evidence showing that they are when compared to their less attractive counterparts and so on).

I would offer some examples but it would all be anecdotal and if we Google it there's several links to more scientific backed ones. I would link some but I'm on mobile atm.

#30 No such thing as "an ugly waitress."

I've never seen an ugly waitress. I often have conversations with friends while eating out along the lines of, "Where do they find these women? Everyone in town except the waiting staff is ugly."

'Pretty privilege' isn't always such a great thing to have, as it turns out. u/ZeuslovesHer says that she has been underestimated for most of her life, purely because of how she looks.

"First of all, everyone underestimates me when they meet me," the Redditor said. "They immediately think I'm stupid or that I never bothered with my education because I got things easy in life."

"That is not true, I worked hard, I paid for college myself, working different jobs and I graduated top of my class," she said. "A lot of people I meet instantly resent me, especially girls, it's almost like they feel threatened or something, even though they have absolutely no reason for it."

But it gets worse. "And then there is the really dark part of it, which is all the sexual harassment I had to endure, sexual assault attempts from men, since I was a teenager," she said.

So, what's your take on 'pretty privilege'? Do you think it's a legitimate concern in today's society?

Stephanie