Debate Erupts After Mom Reveals Tough Approach To Make Husband Take Equal Parenting Role

Mom's tough love: the surprising method she used to make her husband a better parent.

Filip

• Published in Interesting
• October 21, 2024

In today's society, the division of household and parenting responsibilities is a frequent topic of discussion, especially regarding how to create a more balanced partnership. One mother recently gained attention by offering advice aimed at encouraging men to enhance their problem-solving skills, ultimately fostering more equality in parenting roles.

Her name is Pace Webb, and she runs the platform Our Home Flows, which offers courses to help mothers reclaim their time and share household duties more fairly. She addressed this topic in an Instagram video.

In the video posted on September 28, Webb suggested that mothers should stop answering questions their partners could easily figure out independently. "I stopped answering every question he could figure out for himself," she shared, adding that although it may seem harsh, constantly providing answers only reinforces the habit, leaving one person to do all the mental work.

Webb advises responding with phrases like, "Hmmm... I'm not sure," or "I don't know," instead of giving immediate answers. Another tactic she recommends is saying, "I’m in the middle of something right now, but I can check in a minute,” which often prompts the partner to find a solution before that "minute" even arrives.

Webb emphasizes that these responses shouldn't come across as passive-aggressive. The goal is to help break the cycle of asking unnecessary questions and encourage more independence in household problem-solving.

Pace Webb shares advice on how to make your partner more problem-solving independently

"If you're always answering the questions, they're just gonna keep asking you, and you're going to be the one who does all the thinking," she explained

Use phrases like, "Hmmm... I'm not sure," or "I don't know," instead of giving immediate answers

Here is the video part I

Webb emphasizes that these responses shouldn't be passive-aggressive

The main goal is to help break the cycle of asking unnecessary questions

And to encourage more independence in household problem-solving

Here is the continuation of the video

Webb's initiative, Our Home Flows, was born when her daughter was six months old, as she began feeling increasingly frustrated in her relationship from managing all the household responsibilities by herself.

“No one tells you about the time and mental load caring for another human takes! On top of having a career, the expectation for mothers to continue to be the ‘CEO’ of the household is simply outdated,” she said.

She further explained, “I realized that I wasn’t sharing the workload of caring for our child or household with my husband, and although he was willing to do anything I asked, the fact that I held all the keys was too much to balance while having a demanding career.”

Carole Martin-Sperry, a Registered Member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), shared her thoughts on Webb's method for promoting a more balanced division of household tasks.

“I am not entirely convinced that answering unnecessary questions from your partner with ‘I am not sure’ or ‘I don’t know’ is either helpful or effective. It’s obviously annoying and irritating to hear these kinds of questions from your partner.

You may feel taken for granted and it’s lazy on their part,” said the psychotherapist, who has authored three books on relationships and sexual issues. Martin-Sperry proposes a more direct way to communicate frustration over such questions.

“There are better ways of communicating. You could let them know that endless questioning feels demanding of your time and patience. It’s better to address this issue before it becomes a habit."

“Maybe you could say something along the lines of ‘I’m sure you can manage.’ Or ‘You’ve got this.’

It would be all too easy to sound passive-aggressive or infantilizing. Make it clear early on that you are not going to answer all their questions.”

For centuries, domestic work has been distributed unequally, often to the detriment of women. “Unfortunately, women have had to take sole responsibility for all the household tasks and parenting for centuries.

Now these stereotypical roles are at last being challenged. If both of you are working, the chores should be shared,” explained the expert.

Martin-Sperry advises that couples divide household responsibilities based on their individual skills and abilities to ensure the workload is fairly balanced. “One of you can cook, the other can clear up and load and empty the dishwasher.

You can take care of the laundry, they can vacuum, you manage the finances, they book the holidays, and so on,” she suggested.

In other videos, Webb emphasized the need for mothers to have personal time, rather than “spending every free moment [they have] with her husband and kids,” and urged them to allow their partners to take on household chores instead of always “beating [them] to it.”

Balancing a career with managing all household and parenting duties can result in various health problems, including stress and exhaustion, which can then lead to anxiety, depression, and physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, back pain, and a weakened immune system, making one more prone to colds and viruses, as Martin-Sperry pointed out. Moreover, it can strain your relationship.

“It’s better to let your partner know you are struggling and need their cooperation and support. Communicating openly is the best way of addressing all these issues, solving the problems and finding a better way forward,” she advised.

A woman said it doesn't work

The husband is already an equal parent

It's manipulation

In reality, this happens all the time

If you need something to change, start with yourself

It's a hard cycle to break

This is why marriages fail

It's a good technique for employees also

Match the energy

This could happen also

Does teamwork matter anymore?

A husband explained

It's a good advice

Marriage is not easy

Although many people agree with Pace Webb, experts say it might not be the best approach. Marriage is hard, but respecting your other half is the best way to make it work.

So, they suggested that open communication is the better way to tell your partner if something is not okay.

Filip