The Best Sarcastic Quotes Sure To Sharpen Your Wit

Sarcastic quotes are the best, they’re inherently clever and just the right amount of sass.

Kylin

• Published in Funny
• February 18, 2022

Sarcasm is an interesting adaptation of human communication. It’s a learned skill, and as a skill, some are better at it than others.

Seriously, try being sarcastic to a 2-year-old. They won’t understand that you’re not being literal.

And that’s one of the fun parts about sarcasm, it’s a twist on literal meanings to create a whole new message! Language is so dang fun.

While sarcasm can often be dark or considered rude, it is undeniable that sarcasm is thriving in our current society. Some may not like the sting of a well-timed quip, you’ll know you’re with the right people when it’s received with a good laugh.

Heck, my marriage is 80% sarcasm, it’s basically our love language at this point. We may not be as clever or eloquent as the likes of Oscar Wilde and Robin Williams, but a good-hearted jab is always appreciated.

To celebrate the sarcasm in all its glory, we’ve gathered 40 of the best quotes for your amusement. Some are from famous minds, like the aforementioned Oscar Wilde or even the literal genius Albert Einstein, and some we weren’t able to nail down the mysterious origins.

So, my fellow sarcastic readers, this article is for you. The dark jokes and silly quotes that you can store for your future interactions are just a few scrolls away.

1. "I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew."

– Author Unknown

2. "Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid."

– John Wayne

3. "When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work."

― Bill Murry

4. "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

– Albert Einstein

5. "Find your patience before I lose mine."

– Author Unknown

6. "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak."

– Steven Wright

7. "God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."

– Robin Williams

8. "Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us."

– Stephen Colbert

9. "Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’."

– Robin Williams

10. "So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?"

– Author Unknown

11. "Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity."

– Author Unknown

12. "I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."

 – Oscar Wilde

13. "Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense."

— Steve Landesberg

14. "I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it."

– Author Unknown

15. "Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams."

– Author Unknown

16. "I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you."

– Edward I. Koch

17. "An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough."

— Stephen Colbert

18. "If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."

― Steven Wright

19. "Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege."

– Leon Trotsky

20. "You know what I like about people? Their dogs."

– Jarod Kintz

21. "I always say 'Morning' Instead of 'good morning' Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people."

– Author Unknown

22. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

– Oscar Wilde

23. "A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

– Fred Allen

24. "A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him."

– Sir Winston Churchill

25. "Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face."

– Author Unknown

26. "My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly 'we need to talk.'"

– Author Unknown

27. "My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

– Rodney Dangerfield

28. "If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito."

– Betty Reese

29. "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives."

 – Abba Eban

30. "An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true."

– Robert Oppenheimer

31. "Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often."

– Author Unknown

32. "If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ."

– Shelby Mitchell

33. "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."

– Albert Einstein

34. "I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?"

– Author Unknown

35. "Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job."

– Author Unknown

36. "Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal."

– Author Unknown

37. "If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel."

– Author Unknown

38. "Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!"

– Billy Connolly

39. "Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist."

– Michael Levine

40. "My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more."

– Walter Matthau

Meh, maybe those quotes you scrolled through really weren’t all that sarcastic after all. Not in the slightest bit.

Who would like those quotes anyway, just some sweet old ladies live, laugh, love-ing their best lives? Probably.

If you enjoyed this, be sure to share these sarcastic quotes with your friends and family. Or don’t, and hoard the witticisms for yourself, see if I care. 

Kylin